{"id":1246,"date":"2020-10-19T16:55:17","date_gmt":"2020-10-19T16:55:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/successful-lawyer.com\/?p=1246"},"modified":"2020-11-18T17:35:47","modified_gmt":"2020-11-18T17:35:47","slug":"reactivity-101","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/successful-lawyer.com\/reactivity-101\/","title":{"rendered":"Reactivity 101"},"content":{"rendered":"

Okay, I admit it. I don\u2019t suffer fools gladly.<\/span><\/p>\n

In fact, after 35 years of daily contact, it\u2019s difficult to suffer them at all. When a lawyer makes untrue statements or glosses over important facts, it makes me crazy, and I attack. While this is not something I admire about myself, it has become my conditioned response. But is it a wise one?<\/span><\/p>\n

Bad things happen when you lose your cool. We can all recall times when somebody triggered us at a negotiation, turning the conference into a food fight. And the last thing a judge wants to hear is lawyers bickering at the bench. With our adrenaline addiction, ferocious egos, and competitiveness, few lawyers can control themselves when provoked. But this is precisely what we must do to be successful both as negotiators and advocates (1).<\/span><\/p>\n

Let\u2019s all benefit from my personal exploration of this subject. The class: Reactivity 101. Your syllabus:<\/span><\/p>\n

Week 1: Decide whether to engage at all.<\/span><\/h4>\n

We all know lawyers who love to quarrel. No matter the subject, they gotta argue and have the last word. Maybe it's best just to let them! Remember, if you walk away, there is no oxygen for their fire.<\/span><\/p>\n

Instead of arguing over a paltry issue, respond, \u201cyou may be right,\u201d or \u201cI guess we\u2019ll see\u2026\u201d Don\u2019t burn nervous energy over trifles.<\/span><\/p>\n

Week 2: Start by listening.<\/span><\/h4>\n

I know most of us suck at this. I certainly do. We are too busy pressing our position. But as the wise Stephen Covey observes in <\/span>The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People <\/span><\/i><\/a>(2)<\/span>, <\/span> you must first seek to understand <\/span>before<\/span><\/i> seeking to be understood yourself. By listening first, you will gather helpful information to solve problems and also lower the temperature of the dispute. Learn to be present and patient.<\/span><\/p>\n

Week 3: What is underneath the conflict?<\/h4>\n

Almost all conflict derives from the actors\u2019 perception of an injustice (3).<\/span> Identify what that is. What exactly is the other\u2019s grievance? Admittedly, sometimes it\u2019s just self-serving bullshit, but even knowing that is helpful.<\/span><\/p>\n

To mine for this valuable ore, probe the other with questions, \u201cthat\u2019s interesting, tell me more,\u201d or \u201cwhat am I missing?\u201d Listen and learn rather than talk and reveal. Use this information to find solutions.<\/span><\/p>\n

Week 4: Know your triggers.<\/span><\/h4>\n

Follow Socrates' advice: \u201cknow yourself.\u201d Anticipating a clash will help you avoid a reactive response. Instead of snapping, use your brain and intuition to analyze how to move your pieces on the board. When preparing, visualize positive responses to provocation. Also, develop mantras\u2014\u201ccalm and collected,\u201d for example\u2014to repeat silently to yourself when the blood pressure starts climbing. When confronted or insulted, pause, and breathe. Don\u2019t drink the other\u2019s poison. With a smile on your face, ask them to refrain from the negative conduct so that you can work together to find a solution. Shame, rather than bludgeon them into better behavior.<\/span><\/p>\n

Week 5: Don\u2019t try to impose your will.<\/h4>\n

When you try to impose your will on others, the walls go up. It doesn\u2019t work. Don't approach conflict as a simple black and white equation. While I admire George W. Bush, the whole \u201cyou\u2019re either with us or against us\u201d mentality isn\u2019t particularly helpful in problem-solving. The more you try to impose your will on others, the more their resistance increases. Pull rather than pummel.<\/span><\/p>\n

Week 6: Be forward-focused.<\/span><\/h4>\n

Don\u2019t get hung up on the past. The goal is to find your way out of the swamp. The question must\u00a0 be, \u201cwhere do we go from here?\u201d rather than \u201chow did we get here?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

To achieve this goal,\u00a0 change the tense of the discussion from the past to the present and then to the future. The reason is that talking about the past focuses on blame, which is unproductive. Talking about the present brings the focus to values and needs, and the future on a new reality. Keep the discussion in the present and future tense.<\/span><\/p>\n

Okay, class, your homework is to practice the principles I have laid out in this self-exploration. Break your reactivity habit by using wisdom and patience to solve problems. Look for roads out of the swamp. They are visible only to those who keep their cool, listen, and look inward.<\/span><\/p>\n

Class dismissed.<\/span><\/p>\n

(1)\u00a0Not to mention saving your sanity.\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

(2)\u00a0A self-help classic. If you haven\u2019t yet read it, do so.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

(3)\u00a0I say \u201calmost\u201d because some conflict is tactically manufactured to conceal, distract, exhaust, etc. Avoid wasting your time trying to understand these scoundrels. And don\u2019t take their bait\u2013\u2013just work your case and get trial dates. <\/span><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Bad things happen when you lose your cool. We can all recall times when somebody triggered us at a negotiation, turning the conference into a food fight. And the last thing a judge wants to hear is lawyers bickering at the bench. With our adrenaline addiction, ferocious egos, and competitiveness, few lawyers can control themselves when provoked. But this is precisely what we must do to be successful both as negotiators and advocates.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":1255,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[8],"tags":[],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nReactivity 101 - The Successful Lawyer<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Bad things happen when you lose your cool. We can all recall times when somebody triggered us at a negotiation, turning the conference into a food fight. And the last thing a judge wants to hear is lawyers bickering at the bench. 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